(Please note: this is a humorous article. I do not actually follow the faith I outline below.)
An article that shows you can pick almost any piece of fiction and still construct something preferable to most modern organised religions.
If you believe in something fictional, at least pick something cool.
Maybe we'll never be rid of the superstition of religion. It's obvious it fills a need, a deep and abiding need in the human species. Still that's no reason to pick something as naff as ancient middle eastern boojums to be your supreme, ineffable spiritual authorities.
Today, I will suggest an alternative. I'm going to suggest how it is preferable to replace the Catholic Trinity with another awesome trinity - the trinity of DC Comics' Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman.
Let's break it down.
The Catholic Trinity is equal parts strange and familiar. We know roughly who or what Jesus is/was/might have been. He was a nutbar who hated his family, taught an extremist version of mosaic law, desperately tried to steal the crown of messiah from John the Baptist when it was clear Jesus wasn't remotely qualified, surrounded himself with under-educated simpletons, called 'Apostles', and regularly told his family to f#ck off. He is supposed to have been a prince of peace, but also says some alarmingly nutty, divisive and hateful things. He is supposed to have died for everyone's sins, yet we keep having to feel guilty about them none the less. He was supposed to have been resurrected. People today call themselves soldiers or warriors for Christ, they carry on hatreds and iniquities in his name.
This is why Batman makes a better substitute. Let's take a look at him. Born a privileged son of Thomas and Martha Wayne, he saw his parents killed by a mugger and vowed then and there to avenge their deaths. Later, he developed the costumed identity of Batman to wage war on crime and injustice. Batman is much more preferable to Jesus as a deity. He doesn't pretend to be meek and mild while actually being a prick - Batman is straight up hardcore. He doesn't care who you are or what you do, he only cares if you hurt another, and puts the hurt on you for doing so. Batman also has his Apostles, but they aren't simpletons - they are people who share his drive and also have talents to back up their passion. Would I prefer to listen to an Apostle who was illiterate, or Red Robin aka Tim Drake? Hands down it goes to Tim Drake - that kid's a genius. Batman doesn't just wander around, dispensing oblique parables, in fact it's likely he won't say anything, but you'll know if you've done wrong in a heartbeat, because he'll kick your ever-lovin' ass.
God. The big kahuna. Yahweh. The boss. In the Catholic Trinity of God the father, Jesus the son, and the Holy Spirit, God sits on the first place podium. The Catholic God is a schizophrenic mix of the Mosaic 'old testament' angry like a spoiled fat kid bastard God, and the hippy 'new testament' peace and flowers God. Little wonder that the character makes no sense. Still, that doesn't stop people claiming God's mandate for every bit of hatred, violence, genocide and whatnot they care to hurl at each other. God's not there to complain either. Because he never appears, steps in and says 'no', all of his followers act like they have a book of blank cheques that say 'yes'.
Now this is why Superman is better than that. Superman comes from a place beyond as well. Not a mythical, and hard to visualise heaven, but the arid and elegant doomed world of Krypton. Like God, scientist Jor-El and his wife Lara sent their only son to Earth. Who can doubt that Superman is a God walking among men? His physical power easily outmatches any human, and his ethics are strong, unwavering and compassionate. He too, is torn between removing all capacity for hurting ourselves to protect us, and letting us make our own mistakes, even if they harm us. He is a complex and loving deity, sworn to help and protect all people, regardless of any difference we choose to see. Superman doesn't care if you'r gay or old or black, he will protect you regardless. Contrast with bitter old Yahweh, who seems inordinately obsessed with who you care to share your genitals with. Superman is the best bet by a mile.
The Holy Spirit. Seriously, wtf is it? I'm sure a seasoned theologian could endlessly regale me with the complexities of the answer, but I'm more interested in what the layman, the armchair religionist has to say. If the believer in the street has no frigging idea what the Holy Spirit is, that's a problem. Of course I know what the Holy Spirit is, I'm just putting the question out there. The Holy Spirit is Tipp-Ex. Sorry what? Oh, like Liquid Paper, correction fluid, you know. What? Oh, well see the Holy Spirit is a later rewrite, an attempt to get ovaries out of heaven and back in the kitchen where they presumably belong. There's a theory that states that the Holy Spirit is where someone has erased a feminine principle out of the Bible, like a Shekinah kind of figure, and replaced it with the best script doctor copy the intern boy could come up with at short notice.
Well, the Holy Spirit is no competition for Wonder Woman. Given life by the gods as an infant, Diana was the child Queen Hippolyta of the Amazons always wanted. As she approached adulthood, Diana took part in a tournament forbidden to her. Winning the tournament, she had earned the right to be an ambassador of the Amazon way to Man's World - the rest of the planet. Diana is a complex figure, though skilled in war, she seeks peace and harmony in all things. Her invulnerability represents the enduring nature of womanhood, the chain of birth that keeps our species continuing. Throw what you like at her, she will survive and love you anyway. Her Golden Lasso compels you to tell the truth. What wonderful powers! So much more beautiful and noble than any muddled 'Holy Spirit'.
Let's face it, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman are far better candidates for worship than the Catholic Trinity - we understand their stories and their motivations. They speak our language. Their collated canon of wisdom - 80+ years of serialised comics - moves and changes with the times. They are the voice of honour, justice and honesty we need to be comforted by at the time they are written.
After all, if you're going to believe in something so obviously fictional, at least make sure it's cool.
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