How to dismiss all protests in one easy lesson.

This is a handy guide to dismissing all forms of social protest. It explores the language and framing debates people use to make any form of dissent or protest seem meaningless. Whenever you see people using these arguments, remember this, and realise they're not on your side.

So, some big issue is kicking up. It's drawing some support, maybe a little, maybe a lot. But you're sitting there, thinking 'Dammit, if this picks up, my sweet racket is OVER!'

So, you want to diminish, dismiss and hopefully destroy this movement. Hey, I understand. I also understand you don't want to look like the bad guy. Fortunately there are some easy ways to chip away at that movement.

There are three primary areas you can attack - the membership, the means and the message. Think of it as the 3 M's, or 'mmm', as in 'mmm, that destruction of democracy tastes gooooood'.

Area of Attack - The Membership

There are a good number of ways you can belittle the people who make up the targeted movement. Now you know and I know that the people involved are going to be diverse - rich, poor, old, young, directly affected or indirectly affected, or even just plain old sympathetic. If you let on that the movement is diverse, with a lot of different people involved, someone might think it has popular support. Well, you can't let that happen. So, here are some handy ways to paint the membership as something not worth caring about or worth getting involved in.

Derogatives. This is where you use some commonly used term that lumps people together under a broadly disliked category. Now, don't go picking on people with the obvious derogatives. The big no-no words don't draw you a lot of sympathy. No, you want to look reasonable, but still use a catch-all to paint the movement's members as an amorphous bunch of people with negative personal characteristics. Try the following on for size;

• Ferals/hippies: Makes them sound unwashed and dirty. You, by comparison, are obviously clean and neat.
• Lazy/workshy/unemployed: Makes them sound lazy, like they're all slacking off while you're working hard. It makes them sound like leeches and gives you credibility as a fine and upstanding citizen.
• The usual suspects/rent-a-crowd: This makes it sound like the people involved just turn up to these things by rote, and by extension the issue itself is some bland nonsense.
• Rioters/troublemakers/criminals: No-one likes violence, so even if the people in the movement are peaceful, claiming that they've turned up to destroy property and attack police makes them sound dangerous and psychotic.

Attack their politics. Examples include; Greenies, Lefties, Tree-huggers, Bleeding hearts, Brunswick latté-sippers, This is a nice cynical tool to use. It plays on the dissatisfaction people might have with other folk that aren't as lazy, apathetic and spud-like as they are. No-one likes someone with a more refined social conscience, so play on that. Now we all know that deriding someone because they have a more refined sense of social justice than you, just makes you look like a shallow shit-bag, but play it right and no-one will think of that.

Attack their intellect. Examples include; Ivory tower, Professional academics, Armchair revolutionaries, Middle class socialists. Most people don't like a smart-arse, so if you paint the members of the movement as some sort of intellectual, a thinker rather than a doer, chances are people won't sympathise with them. True, it's also tantamount to admitting it's better to be stupid, but try and avoid that side of the argument.

No that you've got that in hand, it's time to learn to attack the way in which this movement gets their message out.

Area of Attack - The Means

Okay, so this bit is easy. Largely because every single means of protest you deride, can be made to look inferior to another. Of course, you're never going to admit you don't want people to stand up for causes of justice or their rights AT ALL, right? No, of course not, but if you keep opponents off-balance with these, it'll be a long time before someone works out you're opposed to all struggles for justice or rights.

Acceptable rebellion. This one is really good. You can use it look as though you support the movement, but disagree with their means. With this tactic, you deride the noisy, violent aspects of the movement, suggesting instead that people go through orthodox means of changing society, like voting. I know right? Pure comedy! But they're not to know that. You and I both know that voting doesn't really change anything. Hell, these people are probably protesting government policy! Still, it makes you look calm and reasonable and the movement as shrill tantrum-throwers.


Riot! Most protests these days are peaceful. Still, if you refuse to label any protest as a protest, and instead call it a riot, you're halfway to winning. It also helps to completely ignore any and all forms of violence that come from outside the protest, whether agents provocateur or the police. Try and describe police brutality as 'just doing their thankless duty' or saying that they were 'forced' to respond the way they did. Now, we all know that's complete crap. Chances are, you already have an agent in the crowd, or your local police force are dangerously unhinged psychotics, but the truth is unimportant, it's all about shaping opinion the way YOU want opinion to go.

Petitions. Some movements rely heavily on gathering petitions. This can be dicey. Often a petition is ongoing. One batch of signatures might be delivered for one event, but the movement may continue gaining signatures. Bear in mind, your dupes and allies also use petitions. Unless you're a really smooth operator, someone might catch you out dismissing a petition from 20,000 people while endorsing one more sympathetic to your ideology from 200 people. Your best bet is simply to publicly dismiss petitions altogether, and just hope your bias over them never gets caught out.

Online activism. There seems to be an explosion of online causes these days - GetUp!, Avaaz, Access, Uncut US, Uncut UK, America's Progressive Voice, Wipeout Homophobia On Facebook, Rape Is No Joke, etc. Despite the plethora of causes to join, follow and support, this method is the most easily derided. It is also where you can compare online activism to any other form of protest to deride it. Try repeating this: 'It's all very easy to click a link, but if you really cared, you'd be out there on the streets!' Isn't it brilliant! You've already derided street protest as brutal and psychotic, so now you can deny democracy online as well! Just make sure to paint it as the 'lazy' way to protest. So what if people have school or jobs or a family? Unless they drop their increasingly busy lives to engage in a physical form of protest you're also attacking, you can dismiss them as lazy!

Hacktivism. While it may be the most effective means of protest, your work is done here before you even arrive. Just repeat after me - 'It's a crime!' See? Easy! You don't even need to debate the merits of using illegal activity to rebel against a corrupt or unjust regime, just shout 'It's a crime!' every time, and don't be drawn into any other part of the debate.

Areas of Attack - The Message

Okay, this is hard. You have to be really careful here not to sound like a bigoted asshat. Fortunately, there are ways you can attack the message broadly without publicly being forced to say things like 'I am a racist and it's awesome' or 'Fuck this planet, I want billions of dollars to wipe my dick on'.

The message is confused. Even if you have been presented with a clearly written, bullet-point list, constantly say to outsiders that the movement 'has no demands' or 'no clear message'. If people don't know what the movement is about they will lose interest, so you MUST obfuscate the message AT ALL TIMES. The best way of doing that is simply to constantly re-iterate that their message is unclear, even - or especially - when it is very, very simple and clear.

The message is unrealistic. This is a great way to diffuse interest in a movement. By claiming that you agree - in principle - you can then go on to say that the movement's message is too fanciful and isn't grounded in the harsh, cruel world of reality. The easiest way of doing this is dazzling people with complicated political or economic bullshit. Don't worry, you don't have to understand it either - it's just important that everyone's eyes glaze over with boredom as you explain it, and everyone loses interest.

Twist the message, then attack! This might be a good starting tactic, so you can save your more devious ones for later. Simply pick some arbitrary, peripheral or completely unrelated part of the message, drag it to centre stage, generalise it to cover the entire movement, then attack it with all guns blazing. Here are some great examples;

• The environment: Message - 'We should reduce carbon emissions so our children have a future.' Attack- 'You greenies want to wreck the economy and put EVERYONE out of a job!'
• Income equality: Message - 'Large corporations should not be able to rewrite the laws and obscenely increase their wealth at the expense of ordinary citizens and public sector services.' Attack - 'Why didn't you just say you wanted to completely destroy capitalism, you COMMIE!'
• Marriage equality: Message - 'All citizens should enjoy equal access to the legal right of marriage.' Attack - 'You want to teach children about butt-fucking in MY church!'

So, there you have the basics. Now, are you ready for some advanced tuition? Good.

Advanced Tactics

These are not recommended for the beginner student of dismantling democracy, rather they are decidely difficult advanced tactics, best attempted after a few successful outings.

The Agent Provocateur. For this tactic, you will need to hire or direct a certifiable whackjob and plant them in the movement. This whackjob is almost certainly going to be a sacrificial lamb, so you may need a few to hand. The whackjob must have two mandatory qualities - be a certifiable violent or offensive nut, AND be able to keep their mouth shut and not rat you out. Let's say you have a movement that uses peaceful protests. To discredit the movement, put a few whackjobs in the protest, then get them to start smashing up shit or throwing molotovs at cops. This will ruin the movement's credibility and support quickly, and sometimes irrevocably.

Appropriation/Greenwashing. Let's say someone's found out about that coffee plantation you own in the third world, and how you employ people as slaves and have them shot when they try to form a union. Ho shit! You're down the crapper now yeah? Not so! Because now all you have to do to deflect criticism is start some bogus organisation that lets you run business as usual, but allays the fears of the protest movement. So, form a 'Coffee Worker's Union' (don't worry, you CAN keep shooting them, and you don't HAVE to pay them) and write up some spin about how you're enriching the lives of the people by supporting the union they created. Most journalists are so lazy, no-one will notice for ten years, by which time you'll have made out like a bandit.

You can also attach your name to a movement without changing your opinions or ceasing the horrible things you're doing without most people noticing, just by forming a group with a very, very similar name. So, let's say someone has a website called www.democracynotforsale.org, why not just create a website called www.democracynotforsale.com with a nice prominent link to the paypal account for your re-election campaign? Easy!

Buying the laws you want. If all of this just seems too hard, and you have the money and/or power, why not just buy the capability to have that movement disbanded, imprisoned, tortured or executed? Most governments these days have realised it's much easier, and better for them, to dismantle domestic protest or activist movements than hunt down tricky hate groups or terrorist organisations, so why not hand over a nice donation to get the target movement blacklisted? Or have a CoIntelPro operation put together to just kill them? Really, democracy can be a pain in the ass. It's so much better just to ruin the lives of hundreds of people and get your way, than allow them to form an opinion.

In closing

So, if you've mastered these steps you should by now be a fully capable asshole. A vicious, evil shit-hat that is ready, willing and able to get out there and stop people voicing real concerns about the shitty world you've built around them. Once you master these, consider the many anti-democracy job opportunities opening to you - media pundit, CEO, think tank member, policy advisor, or even just that shit at parties and barbecues that comes off as a complete and utter bastard.

Now get out there son, and start dismantling democracy!