Arseholes of Australia - inaugural award

Ladies and gentleman, I thank you for coming to this gala occasion - the inaugural Arseholes of Australia Award.

What makes an Arsehole? I hear you ask. Well, the true, rarefied art of being an arsehole is not something that can be taught. It is an innate quality - a deep, dark, maggot-ridden, black hole cankerous blot that infests your thoughts and deeds.

This, the first Arseholes of Australia Award was a tough choice. The committee have examined many of the greatest kakistocrats of this fine nation.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you would care to refresh your drinks, we will commence the awards ceremony, once you are all sitting comfortably once more.

Ready? Then first we shall examine the field, the candidates, and their arsehole-y qualities that led to their nomination.

Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert Doyle: For his violent and psychopathic pomposity in championing acts of Police brutality at Occupy Melbourne.

Opposition Leader, Liberal MP Tony Abbott: For everything he does while awake and drawing breath. The judges wish to make it clear that since the infamous 'Climate Change is crap' comment, Mr Abbott has achieved the rare honour of Permanent Nomination.

ALP Prime Minister Julia Gillard: For the twin salvos of the 'Malaysia Solution' which was not supported by the previous ALP National Conference, and for being almost the last - but certainly the most powerful - member of her party to consider supporting same-sex marriage rights.


Liberal MP Sophie Mirabella: For marrying an elderly rich gentlemen, before allegedly locking him in his house and preventing his family to come see him. The committee have decided to disqualify Mrs Mirabella until her husband's family manage to lay charges. See here

Liberal Senator Eric Abetz: Somewhat of a dark horse, few would recognise his name if it were slurred at a suburban barbecue. He came to some measure of note when he attacked GetUp's 'how should I vote' website, which you can see here. He also made some brief media appearances when he made some bizarre comment off-handedly favourable to the Nazi regime. It's details, point and relevance escape me at present.

A strong showing by the Liberal Party at this awards ceremony, so kudos to the Liberal Party of Australia for cultivating such wanton misanthropism in your sideshow of scumbags party.

And now ladies and gentlemen - Nuncio, a drum roll if you will - ladies and gentlemen, the winning candidate is...

Well, what a surprise outcome! Senator Eric Abetz has come out ahead! The judges inform me that this is what tipped him over the line. A moody, tantrum-y snipe at the independent Australian Bureau of Statistics for daring to have the temerity to ask same-sex couples if they think of themselves as married on the recent Australian census, when the current legislation - rooted by John Howard's government in 2004 - plainly tells same-sex couples that Australia hates them and doesn't think they count for anything.

The judges tell me it was the sheer pettiness and adolescent bitching that won their votes. They would also like to give honourable mentions to Barnaby Joyce and Bob Katter for their vociferous homophobia and alliance with a right-wing American on the same topic. Katter almost made the finalists by letting the nation know that he doesn't think even his own half-brother should be treated like a citizen with equal rights.

Also in a rare appearance by a non-politician, Qantas CEO Alan Joyce gained nomination, just after the judge's deadline had passed for holding the entire nation's travelling plans to ransom to pursue a neoliberal agenda. Congratulations sir, if your submission had been received in time I have no doubt that you would be the one holding aloft the Golden Sphincter tonight.

Senator Abetz - congratulations! Not only are you an avowed homophobe, but you even throw a tanty when an independent body asks couples if they think of themselves as married. You sir, are our first, but by no means our last Arsehole of Australia!