I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.

Elections are like this.

Pre-election campaigns are like going to a party where you realise the most evil, drooling insane C.H.U.D.s are the very same people your friends are deciding among to send you out on a date with.

Election morning is like getting ready to go on a blind date. You're nervous, apprehensive, you wonder what you're letting yourself in for. Maybe it'll be okay, but it might be disastrous. You fuss about, trying to put the big doubts out of your head.

Election evening is like being out on the date and drinking too much, in the mistaken belief it'll make you calmer. There are ominous warnings mixed in with good signs. All the info races in your ears and eyeballs before turning into a swirling morass of mush in your intoxicated brain.

Election following morning is like waking up on the living room floor of a party, with lewd and offensive messages scrawled on your face in marker, a cucumber up your arse and all your friends laughing and taking photos of you with their phones.

The next four years are like continually bumping into that crazy person you dated once, while desperately trying to avoid them in case they start making insane accusations against you - "Why am I locking asylum seekers up in a prison? YOU MADE ME DO IT!!" they scream wide-eyed at you.

Looking at your new President/Prime Minister make their 'Now here's how I'm going to screw you all' speech is like looking in the bathroom mirror and suddenly having a flashback to that thing you did with that person last night while you were drunk. 

The gap between elections is like lying in bed on a rainy day, listening to The Smiths' 'How Soon Is Now?' on repeat, wondering why no-one loves you. Is it them? Is it you?

It's probably good we only do this every few years. Any more often and I think we'd all go mad.