An important primer of how government works in Australia

This being the first day of a new year, I thought I'd start off with an informative post. Having somewhat of a hangover, I've also decided to make it lightly satirical... sort of.

So, without further ado, I present a primer on how government works in Australia for those overseas who might be a little confused by our system. See more after the jump.

Australia has a very simple and hierarchical system of government. I will explain how it works from the top down.

1. God: Rupert Murdoch.

As Governor of Australia, the US and the UK, the role of God is to determine broad policy lines for all the nations God governs. It is a demanding task, and much of the nitty-gritty of the role is delegated to lower rungs on the governance ladder. While there are no elections for the role of God, the position is open to anyone who meets a few simple criteria, namely: you must be old, white, exceedingly wealthy and control a lot of media. Once you meet these few simple pre-requisites you can hold the position for as long as you like, usually until you die, and your son is too pampered and stupid to inherit the role from you.

2. Policy Formulator: The Australian Newspaper.

Once God has uttered a policy decree, it is up to our next level of governance to hash out that policy in concrete terms. The Australian Newspaper is owned by God, and operates much the same as Pravda did in the former Soviet Union. The Australian's role is to inform the public what they must vote for, and to inform other areas of government what policies they must present to the public to vote on. Sometimes the public will get confused and vote for policies not approved by God. This is a sign of our rich and varied democracy.

3. Policy Debaters: Political Parties.

Next it is up to preset political parties to split hairs on the policies handed down by Pravda uh, The Australian. There are two parties in Australia - the Rural Bigots Dominated By Urban Bigots Party and the Sell Out Anyone Or Anything For A Buck Party. Sometimes people will tell you that there are other parties, called things like One Nation, Family First, The Greens or The Democrats. These parties are either straw men for one of the other two parties - hired actors used to enliven debates - or shills for that pampered class of Australian citizens - People Who Give A Shit About Stuff.

The Policy Debaters are there to put their views into The Australian Newspaper, to present the ways in which they would choose to implement The Australian Newspaper's policies.

4. The Public Effigy: aka The Prime Minister.

A Prime Minister is a public effigy used to distract the gullible Australian public. The person who nobly takes on this role is expected to be blamed for everything the public want, and then decide to not want four minutes later. The Prime Minister is expected to take the blame for everything that happens everywhere. There is vigorous jockeying for this position because of its handsome paycheck and its lack of responsibility. Most decisions are made beforehand by one of the previous three arms of government, all the Public Effigy has to do is repeat them in public and be hated for it.

5. Prime Rubber-Stampers: Ministers.

While everyone is hurling invective and rotten fruit at the Public Effigy, Prime Rubber-Stampers go about the important government business of finding bits of the country to sell to mining companies, and appeasing hate groups. All other citizens are irrelevant for policy purposes. This is mainly because they have no money and cannot give Prime Rubber-Stampers bad press.

6. Houses of Ideology Approval: aka Commissars or MP's and Senators.

In theory Australia has an 'Upper' and 'Lower' House.

Ideocrats in the Lower House are paid for by media outlets and vetted by outspoken hate groups in community groupings known as 'electorates'. Sometimes representatives from People Who Give A Shit About Stuff might creep in if not enough money has been spent in an electorate, if the hate group there is not strong enough, or the incumbent candidate was caught sleeping or strangling kittens during the 'election'.

Ideocrats in the Upper House represent States of Australia. Because they are chosen beforehand by Parties, and the choice of Senator is usually between Party A Hack Who Is Psychotic Or A Moron and Party B Hack Who Is Psychotic Or A Moron, the Upper House is a cushy job where you go to meetings and get to call other Senators offensive names. Because no-one in Australia knows what Senators do or are for (some Senators have accidentally been wedged under doors as draft excluders) People Who Give A Shit About Stuff often manage to sneak candidates in.

The job of both Houses is simply to check that policies created by Ministers or Parties adhere to the opinion polls they read in The Australian Newspaper the day before.


So! There you have it. Australian government clearly explained for those who might find it a little confusing. Hope you enjoyed this educational and informative post.