If you take this one lesson, you too could be writing for the Sydney Morning Herald or Today Tonight in minutes. Want to know more, then click that 'Read More' link baby!
Okay, so here we go. Just follow these simple steps, and apply them to any issue you want, and you'll be frothing the rubes up into a frenzy like a pro in no time.
1) Pick your subject. Some subjects are easier to sensationalise than others. You have to know which buttons to push. Here's a few to get you started: Petrol Prices, the ALP, the Greens, Grocery Prices, any program that Government spends money on, what your taxes are used for, artists, intelligentsia, uni students, Centrelink payment recipients, single mothers, protestors, foreigners, asylum seekers. They have to play on people's natural resentments, frustrations and prejudices. If you don't have that, your story won't be very strong.
2) Find something about the subject to attack. Use strong keywords designed to anger people. Here are some perennial favourites: Lazy, Violent, Waste of taxpayer's money, Out of control, Nanny state, Taking our jobs, Rort the system, Queue jumping, Leeching off the system.
3) Now, present your subject and pose the attack as if it is a question. For bonus points merge together more than one subject and use more than one attack, such as:
'Is the Greens policy on petrol prices an out of control waste of taxpayer's money?'
4) Now it is time to do fact-finding. Now don't worry, you don't have to do actual research but it still has to sound convincing. There are two golden ways to do this - testimony from an expert or dazzling people with bullshit statistics. The expert doesn't even have to be an expert, just someone willing to open their mouth for five minutes and let crap pour out. It helps if you bribe them too. Let's continue our example above, and add an expert and some baffling statistics.
'Is the Greens policy on petrol prices an out of control waste of taxpayer's money? To find out we approached Professor Cabbage of Sun Myung Moon University. Professor, is this policy valid? "Well, if you look at the projected rate of income growth when correlated to the indexed negative gearing of the positively charged ions you see everywhere these days, I find it impossible to see how the Greens could arrive at their figure." Thank you Professor.'
5) Now baffling people with experts and numbers is a bit dicey, so to hammer the point home you need a human touchstone, just an average guy on the street. Hairdressers, guys in suits having a fag on their lunch break, truckers, mums buying groceries, pensioners. Folk that everyone recognises and can relate to. Now, when you talk to these people it's vital you don't ask them the same question in the lead-up. No, you must ask them a different question, one designed to infuriate them. You can ask one involved average joe, that has some connection no matter how ridiculous and tenuous, or do a rapid fire vox pop, or even both! It is important to add at least one dissenting viewpoint. This is so you can claim to be balanced.
'Is the Greens policy on petrol prices an out of control waste of taxpayer's money? To find out we approached Professor Cabbage of Sun Myung Moon University. Professor, is this policy valid? "Well, if you look at the projected rate of income growth when correlated to the indexed negative gearing of the positively charged ions you see everywhere these days, I find it impossible to see how the Greens could arrive at their figure." Thank you Professor.'
'To find out more, we came here to the streets of average suburb. We spoke to unemployed bowser operator Steve Smith. [Cut camera] So, Steve, the Greens are laughing and saying that everyone who works in the petrochemical industry is going to be forced out of a job, while Bob Brown urinates on their dead mothers graves. [Roll camera] So Steve what do you think about all this? "I'm disgusted is what I am. Who do they bloody think they are, these bloody Greenies, I mean how dare they!" Thank you Steve. We decided to head out into the streets and ask the same question.'
'[Edited in later] So what do you think about the Greens policy on petrol prices?'
'[actual question asked] Do you like the music of Justin Bieber?'
'Urr, horrible, horrible!'
'Oh, it's okay I guess.'
'I've got better things to do than think about that filth.'
'It should be burned.'
'So there you have it - the word on the street could spell big problems for the Greens.'
6) Extra Credit. Now on to some advanced tactics. There are two doozies you should learn - the threat of criminality, and the double-bind.
The threat of criminality.
It doesn't matter if you're talking about teen hooligans, controversial art or even government policy, the appeal to criminality is a good way to tarnish your subject. It's remarkably similar to the expert opinion in step 4), except it also carries an ominous threat and allows you to step beyond the bounds of facile reportage into the arena of social control. When you appeal to an authority, it must be someone very serious. You should be looking for someone who is a censor, a police officer, a professor of law, a solicitor, barrister or QC, a legal advocate, or even someone who works in a victim of crime advocacy capacity. Or Hettie Johnson if you're really hard up.
Their opinions are largely worthless. All you need is the threat of criminal investigation to be suggested, hinted at or discussed to discredit your subject. So;
'To discuss the legal aspects of this policy, we approached criminal law barrister Smethwyck Smethwyck of Smethwyck, Smethwyck and Lederhosen. Mr Smethwyck, if this policy goes ahead, could there be criminal ramifications? "Yes, there could be. Very serious ones." I see, thank you.'
The double-bind.
This is best attempted after you've a had a few stories under your belt. First, find a person that you think might have a story - a politician having an affair, a closeted gay celebrity, a family that have just won the lotto. Now, you must approach this target with one goal - getting a damned story, right or wrong. This is what you do - ask if they will give your paper/magazine/program an exclusive. If they say no, then tell them you will write up a story anyway, making up loads of nasty and salacious details. The beauty of this tactic is you get a story either way, either a true, boring one, or a juicy lie. So;
'Hi, is this the office of Bob Brown? Yeah this is Fred Liar from Bigass Media Corp. Listen, we want to do a story on the petrol prices thing you guys are going on about... Oh, I see. Well, listen if you don't then we're gonna make some crap up anyway. Capice?'
Now get out there son! You could be writing stories for the Australian media by this afternoon if you get your runners on!
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